6 Lessons I Learned From Dating After A Divorce

Reprised with new commentary and new lessons

I started writing about my divorce in 2020. This pretty personal post got an insane amount of page views and traffic, into the hundreds of thousands. At the time, I was the first of my friend group to get divorced and it felt weird to look around at all my happily married friends. Now, in the past year alone, several of my friends have announced a divorce. Nearly four years later it feels like only about half of my friend group is still married. And I get the feeling that even some of them might be thinking about a divorce.

As I field texts and inquires from my friends as they go through this journey, I felt inspired to start editing and republishing some of my previous divorce content. It’s several years old; however, the lessons still hold. I wish I had someone to hold my hand and to lean on through the process. Someone that would tell me the tips and tricks that worked, from handling divorce lawyers, dating advice, all the way to private investigators. So please enjoy one of my refurbished posts below.

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6 Lessons I Learned From Dating After A Divorce

Robin Levine Shobin

I finally got the courage to start dating about 6 months after I separated from my husband.

We hadn’t filed for divorce yet because we were still arguing all the details … it was the spring of 2019 and I had spent the whole winter hibernating in my New York City apartment. The only time I went outside was to walk my dogs and to the therapist. I barely changed my clothes or showered.

I had convinced myself the best plan forward was to move to a small village outside Tulum. I’d move with my two dogs, give up on men, and eat tacos all day. And only then would I ever be happy again. I was convinced there was no use even trying to date. I just didn’t have it in me.

I hadn’t been on a date since 2004. Nevermind the ego blow that happens when your husband has an affair with a 20 year old girl around the same year you turn 40. Going on a date, like a real grown-up date, sounded horrific. No thanks.

Back in 2004, I was in my mid 20s. That’s when you went to bars and met people the old school way. It was carefree and casual. Maybe you would meet someone, maybe you wouldn’t. It was more about having fun. It felt stress-free and exciting. Now dating felt anxiety inducing and full of pressure.

Dating apps didn’t exist. Instagram didn’t exist. Selfies and thirst traps weren’t a thing. I am pretty sure I didn’t have a camera phone yet, just my nifty Blackberry. I was running rampant “Sex and The City” style from bar to bar enjoying my New York City life. Divorced in my 40s is a whole different ballgame and I was no less than terrified at what was ahead of me.

My friend Stephanie sat me down and literally forced me to create a dating app profile. She convinced me that I didn’t have to actually go out on a date. That it would be helpful if I could just swipe photos all day and chat. And then eventually I would emerge more confident and realize there are actually other people in the universe I could theoretically date. That I wasn’t the only person going through this ordeal. And just because I was chatting with them, I didn’t have to date them or ever meet them, but just looking around might make me feel better.

She was right. And that leads to my first lesson…