“If I were still single, my face would have already been pulled to perfection by an expert.”
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard some version of the above sentence from women. So many women. And several men, too.
And while I would LOVE to spend this week dissecting the whole JLaw Eye-Gate situation (because believe me, I have thoughts), I’ll refer you to Jolene Edgar’s excellent piece on that particular drama.
We’ll get into my opinions on upper blephs another day. There is a LOT to unpack there.
But right now, I’m sitting in a Palm Beach hotel room with stitches in my face from my lip lift, still mildly sedated, and a surprising amount of enthusiasm for finally tackling a topic so many of you have been asking me to write about.
Here’s the thing: this conversation is actually much bigger than plastic surgery.
There are four aspects to this conversation that I’m going to dig into:
The self-appointed plastic surgery expert side. Why is it that every husband is absolutely convinced he can spot a facelift a mile away? They all claim to hate plastic surgery because they can always tell when a woman has had work done. It’s a fascinating level of confidence from men with absolutely no medical background, isn’t it? Fortunately, I have tactics to help you overcome this.
The emotional side. The insecurities, the fears, the relationship dynamics, and why your partner might be so opposed to something you desperately want. Maybe his objections have less to do with your face than you think?
The financial side. A facelift is a lot different from a fancy handbag or a Botox appointment. Even if you’re financially independent, this is a major expense, and big financial decisions deserve a conversation in any partnership.
The feminist side. Should your husband or partner even have a say in what you do with your own face?
So buckle up. We’re going to talk money, marriage, feminism, and facelifts, all in the name of answering one of the questions I get asked MOST: How do I get my husband on board with a facelift?
Which makes this simultaneously the most and least feminist article I’ve ever written.
Yes, I’m aware of the irony. Starting with the title.
I’m choosing to proceed anyway. And for the record, husband, boyfriend, partner, whatever. If there's someone in your life who thinks they have a medical degree because they've watched three episodes of Botched, this one's for you.
The Medical Side: How to Cure Your Husband of His Plastic Surgeon Delusions
Most men think they’re experts in plastic surgery. This is a phenomenon that deserves its own peer-reviewed study.
Somehow, men everywhere have convinced themselves they possess the trained eye of Dr. Ben Talei, despite having absolutely no medical qualifications whatsoever.
It’s so widespread that I think it deserves its own diagnosis in the medical textbooks: We should call it Male Surgical Expertise Delusion (MSED). Symptoms include extreme confidence, zero clinical training, and the unwavering belief that they can spot a facelift, rhinoplasty, Botox or filler.
If you are going to get your partner on board for surgery, unfortunately you do need to spend some time dismantling your husband's imaginary medical credentials before you even begin discussing the cost and other emotional implications.
It’s a classic case of not knowing what you don’t know. The best facelifts are the ones you don’t notice. We know that. They don’t know that.
And therein lies our first challenge: Before you can convince your husband that a facelift is worth the money, you have to convince him that UNDETECTABLE facelifts actually exist.
I had been threatening to get a facelift for about 18 months before I actually went under the knife.
My now-fiancé, Hugh, wasn’t entirely convinced I was serious when I brought it up in the early days.
He sort of ignored me at first, and then reactions moved to what I’d describe as vague blanket male support: “You don’t need it, but I guess whatever you want. But what if you look crazy?”
Which, to be fair, is probably the safest possible response a man can give. Although I know plenty of women whose husbands skip the diplomatic niceties and go straight to “ABSOLUTELY NOT.” I know that response is a lot harder to deal with.
So I recommend starting slowly.
As I began seeing surgeons, I also embarked on what can only be described as a six-to-twelve-month facelift propaganda campaign.
I started sending Hugh examples of good facelifts on Instagram. Didn’t matter which surgeon. I just wanted him to see what GREAT, natural work actually looked like. I started slowly, about one post every two weeks.
My advice? Start with the really impressive transformations. You need to get their attention before you can start educating them. Here’s a great example from Dr. Amir Karam to get the ball rolling.
And if your man or partner has an attention span like mine, stick to side-by-side before-and-afters. Don’t expect him to sit through a two-minute transformation video. He needs to see the evidence immediately. Here’s a gorgeous, incredibly natural result from Dr. Mark Murphy.
Once I’d established that a good facelift doesn’t mean looking like a completely different person, I stepped up the campaign.
One post every two weeks became two facelift reels a week. Here’s a great Denise Richards example. Mostly women in their 40s and 50s who looked exactly like themselves afterwards, just suspiciously fantastic.
Eventually, Hugh complained that I’d completely destroyed his Instagram algorithm. His feed, once a peaceful sanctuary of jiu-jitsu, watches, vintage cars, and surfing, had become a nonstop parade of middle-aged women having their faces surgically repositioned.
“STOP SENDING ME FACELIFT REELS,” he pleaded.
But I was nothing if not committed to the cause.
At surgeon consultations, I’d photograph the best before-and-afters from their books and bring them home like a proud mother showing off her children’s school portraits.
Look at THIS one, Hugh. And THIS one. Can you BELIEVE she’s 58?
Eventually, the propaganda worked. It took about 12 months. But it worked.
Hugh had learned two very important things:
ONE: Natural, virtually undetectable facelifts actually exist.
TWO: His 47-year-old girlfriend wasn’t completely insane for wanting one.
Progress!
By the time I’d narrowed my surgeon search down to Dr. Mark Murphy and Dr. Ben Talei of the 13 doctors I met with, I brought Hugh along. But only after I had really narrowed it down. I didn’t want to risk bringing Hugh to a bad consult. That would derail the mission.
There’s something very different about looking at before-and-after photos on your phone versus sitting in a surgeon’s office and meeting the actual doctor.
Meeting Dr. Murphy, looking through his before-and-after books, and seeing the lovely women coming through his office made the whole thing feel a lot less terrifying to Hugh.
Hugh was still incredibly nervous about the surgery itself, of course. More on that later.
Because underneath all the jokes about men thinking they’re plastic surgeons, I think there are some very real emotional reasons our partners resist the idea of us having surgery. And understanding those fears turned out to be just as important as showing Hugh a thousand beautiful and natural jawlines.
Now at eight months after my surgery, Hugh will freely admit he was absolutely TERRIFIED beforehand. But now on the other side of it all, he will also tell you it was the best money I ever spent.
I don’t take that as an insult.
It’s quite the opposite. I’m thrilled he finally sees what I saw all along.
Because he doesn’t just see the difference in my face. He sees it in my mood, my confidence, and how I feel about myself.
And that brings us to the emotional side of this whole conversation. Which, as it turns out, is a lot more complicated.
The Emotional Side: How to Get Him to See What You See in the Mirror
This is where things get a little more complex. Because there are two people with very real feelings about this decision, and I think both deserve to be heard. He’s afraid you’ll look different. You’re afraid you’ll keep feeling the same.
Yes, I believe in your body, your choice. And in all honesty, I was getting a facelift whether Hugh liked it or not. But that doesn’t mean his feelings didn’t matter to me.
This is the face your partner fell in love with. The face they wake up next to every morning. The face they expect to see across the dinner table for the next 30 years.